When I started a pole fitness beginners course at GFF Damian Dance Studio in January 2020, I was in the middle of receiving telephone counselling sessions through my organisation’s Employee Assistance Programme (EAP). I was struggling to cope with my mental health and was continuously feeling overwhelmed with the demands of everyday life.
In October 2017 I was diagnosed with a mental health condition called Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (c-PTSD). Most people have heard of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) but c-PTSD isn’t a condition that’s spoken about as widely (although this has started to change recently as the impact of traumatic experiences in childhood has started to gain more mainstream attention).
Like PTSD, c-PTSD stems from trauma that the brain has not yet been able to process. However, the main difference is that c-PTSD isn’t caused by one singular incident but rather a range of traumatic incidents that occur during the early developmental phases in a person’s life. Because of this it’s known to be more complicated to treat than PTSD as those who live with c-PTSD don’t yet have the emotional grounding or ability to self-regulate, which is needed to recover from trauma successfully. Despite the fact that there is an overwhelming body of evidence by psychiatrists and academics that c-PTSD is a separate condition that requires specialised treatment, it is still not recognised officially by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). This means that many patients living with this condition are frequently misdiagnosed and therefore aren’t given access to the correct treatment.
When I first received my diagnosis it was difficult to digest. I didn’t believe that anything so traumatic had happened in my life that could warrant a diagnosis like this. But yet the more that I learned about the condition and the symptoms, the more everything started to add up. I’d always lived with extreme mood swings, regularly experienced emotional outbursts that I struggled to rationalise or explain, had a history of unstable relationships and struggled with a lack of sense of self at times.
When I learned I was living with c-PTSD, I was completing a masters in Gender Studies. It was both fascinating and disturbing to learn more about where my experiences were situated in the wider context of womens’ experiences of trauma throughout history and the various ways in which this has been misunderstood and shunned by society. Women who were labelled hysterical, agoraphobic, borderline etc. by psychiatrists were more often than not living with incredibly traumatic memories that were manifesting in their bodies and every time their experiences were denied they were being continuously re-traumatised.
When I started pole classes last January I had already come far in my recovery but I was still feeling overwhelmed by a lack of confidence in myself and my ability which made managing a stressful job that required a lot of travelling difficult. I’d tried pole briefly when I was a teenager and at university but I’d struggled to make any progress or maintain motivation as I was held back by the embarrassment and shame that I felt from not being able to pick moves up as quickly as other people. But even back then I remember that practicing pole gave me a feeling of grounding in my body whilst at the same time allowing me to step outside of myself and my (perceived) limitations. I’ll never forget how amazed I was the first time I managed to even climb once up the pole as I had never been sporty or strong as a child and assumed this would always be the case.
When I moved to Manchester I was determined to try pole again and really give it a proper go this time. However, it still took me over a year to pluck up the courage to sign up for a beginners course – partly down to fear and partly due to life getting in the way! During those first few weeks, I wanted to give up so many times. My brain told me it was pointless to even try as I’d never be as good as everyone else and people would think I looked ridiculous. However, this time around I was armed with the tools I’d learned during therapy and my own learning to turn down the volume of my inner critic and this was also helped by incredibly supportive teachers who celebrate differences in body type and ability and encourage all progress made whilst helping students to challenge themselves. Being able to use and practice these mental techniques in the studio soon started to pay off in my day-to-day life. My confidence grew and for the first time I’d managed to establish a regular exercise routine which did wonders for my mental health alone.
I was disappointed when the studio had to shut down because of coronavirus in March last year and worried that I would lose all the progress I’d made both physically and mentally. Eventually I decided to buy my own pole to use at home which I’m grateful for as being able to practice regularly and take part in online classes has helped me to get through what has been a challenging year even for those who don’t live with mental health conditions.
I’m incredibly excited for studios to be able to open again next week so I can get back to feeling the physical and mental benefits of in-person classes. But I’m also remembering to go easy on myself and remind myself that progress is never linear or neat. It’s messy, it’s all over the place and not always pretty (basically my average pole class!)
Pole, PTSD and me 